The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
