I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
