well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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