So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
