it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Only a mothe r could love this liver
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
