I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
