I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
whose parrot is this?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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