We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
