i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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