The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
