Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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