did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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