So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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