Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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