I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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