he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
