i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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