walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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