Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
