Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
