I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize