I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
