you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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