Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
