well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
