Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
