I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
