Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
