i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
