We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
