i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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