im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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