Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
