i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
