the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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