I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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