Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize