he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
