It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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