can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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