I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
