i don't like sucking hair
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize