I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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