You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
