It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Terrible idea I love it
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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