ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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