My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
This house was built for laser tag.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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