sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
