toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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