i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So much rum. So many feels.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
