Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
