i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
