Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
