Im at strip club and am horny
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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