I just threw up on my dentist
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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