My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
