Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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