1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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