the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
