Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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