I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
