Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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