She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
