I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
